Surviving Marriage: The Good Stuff

Marriage is hard with many ups and downs. Even before the official “I do,” there can be lots of fighting, or utopia love. Surviving marriage starts from the wedding planning to the many years together. Each year has its own challenge. Watch for a blog series the highlights the way to survive the many stages of marriage. 

Real Couple Wednesday (Jane Doe)

This Wednesday I had the unique experience of talking to someone that wanted to remain anonymous. Because she was granted this, she was very open with me about everything. While going through a hard spot in your marriage it is hard to open up to any outside sources. This is the reason why I do Real Couple Wednesdays. I want others to realize that you are not alone. Marriage is very hard, and sometimes it can seem too hard. Please know that when you are faced with a hurdle you can work things out. Anyway, back to the interview. As I said, our interviewee, called her Jane Doe, opened up about troubles in her marriage. I thank her very much for sharing some very personal details with me.






Tell me about yourself (Age and Martial status)

I am 31 years old.  I am just really finding myself. I have known a lot of things about myself for a long time but even at this present moment in time, I am still finding out things about me. I am married. We have been married going on 9 years next month. My husband and I only knew one another for 8 months before we got married. Most people said that we would not make it and I totally disagreed with them up until a few months ago...now I am not so sure at times. Do not get me wrong I love my husband dearly, would die for him, but we have been having major problems and I do not know if the road we are traveling on will have a fork in it or stay straight.

How did he propose?

When he proposed to me: He called my mom and my dad to first ask them if it was ok that he asked for my hand in marriage. I got off work one night, he led me to the couch, and we talked about my evening at work and his evening at home. He then got on one knee and told me how much he loved me and that he wanted to grow old with me...he then asked me to spend the rest of our lives together. It, to me, was the most romantic thing ever...even to this day he tells me that he wants to grow old with me I still find it sweet and wonderful. As I said before I am not sure we are going to make it over this major hump that we are on...I hope that we do.

Tell me about your wedding?

Our wedding was simple yet beautiful. He and I got married in my mom’s backyard. We had friends and family. It was hot hot hot! I remember looking at Steve and feeling so bad for him...the sweat was rolling down him and I knew just how he felt. After the ceremony we went riding around, you know that thing you do.  When we got back we were walking down the driveway and I remember him grabbing my hand and saying to me “we did it baby...I love you.” We were not even sure that we were going to get married...due in part to a lot of things.

What do you fight about the most?

You ask what we fight about the most...bills....money...and here lately the things that I have done. He found out that I was emotionally attached to someone that was not him and he has not let me live in down. I am not saying what I done was right...I know that it was not.  All we do is argue over bills, if I have paid them and how the house is not clean enough. Believe me this is the cleanest house you will ever see...you can eat off our floors and we have animals He tells me that I do not do enough around here and that he does it all. This is how it has always been...he took care of the house due to he likes it to be perfect and I took care of the other things. He now believes that other men want me, and that I want other men. He thinks that I am sooooo hot that all men want a piece of me. This is my fault. So there that is...all laid out...I was unfaithful in the emotional area. I did not sleep with the guy and that is the truth. I could have but I did not. I didn’t feel right doing what I was doing in the first place and taking it to that level. The thought just made me ill and sent me into panic attacks.

Do you have a lot in common?

For the most part, we have a lot in common…we both like to fish. We both like to go on walks and car rides to nowhere...we both like music. There is a lot of things that we have in common but what we don’t have in common is nice too because we have learned new things from one another and have learned to love it just as much as the other one does, even if it is not our favorite thing.

How often do you have sex? Do you have the same sex drive?

We don’t have sex very often...used to all the time...and I stopped having sex with him. I got tired of the verbal berating that he gave me all the time. He never ever stopped even before the emotional affair he accused me of having an affair with anyone and everyone there was, and that just pissed me off. No matter how hard I tried to convince him that I was not. He would refer to the girls that he dated before; they all cheated, so why should I be any different. Only until recently have we started to have sex a lot and he has even wanted to invite other people into it. We did and it has turned out to be a disaster. I am sorry that we did it and then again I am not...if that makes any sense. He wanted it to happen, it did and he totally took it out of hand. Even though I thought that it would be a bigger mess than the emotional affair, it has not been but it still has not been the best situation or ideal. We do not have the same sex drive. He wants it everyday and all day. I could care less if we had it everyday. I would be ok if we did it once a week...and we fight about sex and how we do not have it enough. When we do have it he thinks that I think that he is not good enough...when in fact he is the best that I have ever had.

What is the hardest part of your marriage? The easiest?

The hardest part of our marriage...is getting over the humps that we have hit...and we hit them often. He had a rough childhood, and I know that it hard to overcome that childhood. It has made him the way that he is today. I do not want to be one of the people that have abandoned him. He needs someone to help him and love him despite all his faults.  I love him and believe in him. I know that he is a good man. I have seen it a million times. Nothing has been easy for us...we have so many things that have been thrown our way...miscarriages…our son who has issues...deaths and people always in our business....nothing has been easy for us.

How many serious relationships have you been in before?

For me there was one...I knew this kid all my life and was with him for many years right before my husband. I was sure I was going to marry this boy. He had a few.

I want to thank ‘Jane’ for answering my questions. It can sometimes be hard to open up, but I think this may help others.

This week’s poll: why is the modern marriage not working

A long time ago, it was not unusual to find a couple that married young and stayed together. However, the odds of your marriage ending in a divorce are around 40%. Although this is down from the usual quoted ‘50%’, it does not mean a lot. There are many issues that married folks have to face. So why are so many marriages ending in divorce these days? This was the subject of our weekly poll this week. Why is the modern marriage failing? We got six people to cast their votes.

Cheating

60% percent of our voters believe the modern marriage is doomed to failure because of cheating. Cheating is always a major factor in choosing to stay together or not. Some women believe in giving their husband another chance even after the first affair. A woman cheating does not hit the headlines as often but that does not mean it does not happen. If you think your spouse is cheating, there may be many different reasons. Check out this article to learn more:

Cheating Spouses

Boredom

The next reason, according to the poll, is boredom. After spending years together, many couples may just get bored with each other. Maybe it has been awhile since you went out together, or since you laughed together. If this is the case, you spouse may find excitement else where, which can then lead to divorce. Boredom can really crush a relationship. Check this article out for some help:

Tips on Keeping Excitement in your relationship

Expectations too high

Often times we may think that our spouse is just not measuring up. Many women have their ‘ideal’ husband picked out long before she meets Mr. Right. If there is a good man in front of them, they may decide not to be with them because they are not exactly everything they imagined. If your expectations remain too high, you can doom relationship before it starts.  Learning to adapt these expectations are crucial. Check out this for help:

Relationship Expectations: Being Realistic About Happily Ever After

These were the results of our weekly poll. How did you vote? If your previous relationship did not work, Why?

This week’s poll: relationship status

This week’s poll: relationship status

 

During this week’s poll, I asked my visitors to answer the question ‘What is your relationship status?’ Out of all of the visitors to this blog, only twelve answered the question. This week’s poll ends with the winner being: married.

Fifty-eight percent or 7 out of 12 people answered that they were married. Most of my visitors have come from the United States. In the U.S.A, an estimated 2,200,000 people got married in the year 2010. If you are one of the voters that are married, Congrats! I hope it is a happy one.

One person is engaged, and one person is single. These two may stand alone but they may have similar needs. Each is seeking some enlightenment for their relationship now or a relationship to come.

That left four voters in a relationship. This could mean many different things. Some couples choose to live together for a while. Some couples are dating, and some may have even answered this poll just days before taking a bigger step. We will never know.

I am very happy that the majority of my visitors are married. That means things are going in the right direction. What was even more encouraging this week is the fact that there were no votes for divorced…Will you step up and leave a comment as to how you voted and tell us a little bit about your relationship? 
 

The Deal on Divorce

The Deal on Divorce

The information about divorce in America can be scary. It has often been said, “Half of all marriages in America end in divorce.” This is relatively close, but this statement does not include many factors. The age of those that get married, and the number of marriage each person is on will determine if they are more likely to get divorced.   Both men and women are more likely to get a divorce if they get married between the ages of 20-24. Percentages of divorce rates also go up with each marriage. First marriages have a divorce rate of 41%, second marriage are 60% likely to end in divorce. If an individual decides to get married again, the third marriage will end in divorce 73% of the time. Check out this page for more statistics on divorces in America: divorce rates.

In this chart, it shows that the united States are highest in divorce rates per 1,000 couples compared to seven other countries. The best country to be married in would be Italy. There divorce rate seems to be down to 0.7 out of 1,000. Why are divorces so uncommon in this country?

Check out this article to learn some steps to help save your marriage from divorce: Seven Steps that can save you marriage from Divorce.